Save Money

I just thought of this money saving idea, I believe everyone can benefit from, so spread the word. I got two friends with birthdays a few days apart, so instead of buying 2 presents seperately for both of them. I told both of them this: "Hey, want to share the cost of the other guy's present? I will get him a gift and I will split the cost with you. But since it is your birthday, my gift for you is your half of the present. In other words, I pay for the whole thing in your name."

Viola! I created money!

Fear

There is a fear tonight, which keeps me awake. But it isn't the familiar ghost behind doors that haunts me. This fear is neither a fear for life, which prompts action, nor a fear of death, which inhibits action. This fear is a fear of the inevitable, like a dread of the sunset.

It is a dull fear, one that causes the base of my spine to throb. My heart to beat quick yet drawn out, my lungs to breathe nitrogen. And so I wait, while my medulla oblongata is totally occupied with this fear, and I feel so concious of my life support actions. I wait for the inevitable.

My Life

Just watched this superb show (not a lot of people will jump to agree with me) last night. I would like to quote Michael Keaton during that scene when he is talking to his new born son over his crib for the very last time in the movie My Life: “Dying is a tough way to learn to live.”

The obvious reply would be “Why wait?” But we all know in our hearts, we just cannot live each day like it was the last. Why are we such curious creatures? Where the only stimulus for life is a lack of it.

Death

Ignorance is bliss, sometimes. This is one of those times. Have you ever thought that if you were given the knowledge of your death, would you consider that a blessing or a curse? Death is not something, it is the lack of life; just like how darkness is the lack of light. There is no measure of death which we can attribute to it. So everybody gets it the same, like a fast food french fry.

Wonder how it feels like to die? To start to die, to know to die, after you die. In the past, I would often lie in bed and that sensation would come over me. It’s a familiar feeling, the sense of great understanding, a controlled panic. I imagined I die. My mind with all its information dropping into disuse, my intentions fall to the floor (lighting crashes lyrics). I lie there not helpless, but forgotten, disregarded and my mind switches off. My sense of self abruptly disappears, and I return to nothing. It always makes me think of what I was before I am. I don’t remember. I don’t know. I just became, will it be the same? As I became so will I evanesce? Born to die. What a ridiculous concept.

A curse. Not death, knowing death. A knowing death is a mentally painful one. It agonize not only the bearer but tears at the people who loves the bearer. It is insidious and unforgiving, it is a siege of the mind. The lord of the castle is its target, the inhabitants suffer along. This siege has only one inevitable end: utter defeat. There is no hope of the cavalry; there is no respite from inclement weather. Incessant attacks, where sleep provides no repose.

One Of Those Days

I can’t think, I am just sitting at my desk pretending to work. Sounds like a normal day, but there is just so much on my mind right now. You know when you take out a piece of paper and you scribble some physics notes like a formula or something, and you scribble another one under it, and another one below it, and so on. You run out of space and instead of writing it left to right, you try right to left and top down, bottom up.

You keep going on until that piece of paper is perhaps the most well used piece of paper we can find and that the paper has grown twice its weight due to the weight from the ink. My mind is something like that now, if you ask me what is on my mind. I can’t accurately tell you. I suppose everyone of us has that problem too much on our minds. But I lack the ability to focus, I can’t accurately pick out a particular equation. I see the whole picture and it makes me nauseous.

Information accumulates uncontrollably and all I feel is this nausea. My task list explodes at the seams, but my fingers are too light, my palms too heavy. The world is looks like when the contrast is turned on too high, it hurts to look. And all the time the nausea, maybe a giddiness. It’s not sadness, it’s not grief. It’s a transformation, maybe it’s a glitch.